Stella
by lostinadaydream73
Summary: I didn't find any Stella hurt/whump and I wanted to add to the fandom sooo. Stella goes out for a night with friends after leaving Clay a voicemail of how stressed she is. Clay can't find Stella but Sonny does. The question is will Sonny be able to get to her before her professor who is obsessed with her does? Bad summary.
1. Chapter 1

CLAYS POV

I walked into the apartment and dropped my bags down. My shoulders were sore from a long couple of weeks of being overseas. Our short operation to bring home a few doctors who had been taken hostage had turned into a short stent of a deployment to try to bring down the whole network behind the snatches. It had been long, brutal, and mentally exhausting on the whole team. The only good thing about it was we got released a day early from our post and we had 4 whole days of full leave before we would be green lit again and could be called in for ops. This couldn't have come at a better time considering the voicemail Stella had left me when I was flying back home. I had gotten off the phone around 7 pm and seen that I had a voicemail from her. Typically we went straight from the plane into our respective cages to log all of our equipment back in and then had an hour or so debrief before we were dismissed onto leave.

 _"Jason, could I step out for just a minute. Stella called and left me a message." I explained as we walked off the ramp of the cargo plane. Cerberus bounded by us both, happy to be off his leash and out of the confines of the plane._

 _"yeah, just make it fast. Meet us in the cages for logging. Lets get the hell home." He said as he kept walking with his gear. Jason had taken a bit of a beating from this op. We all had but Jason had gotten in a hand to hand combat situation at one point and taken several hard hit to the head and to the chest and ribs. He was certainly sore, although hiding it. Trent had looked him over after a bit of convincing. I clicked on the voicemail and pressed the phone up to my ear._

 _"Hey, uh, Spencer, it's uh, me. I, I can't do this. I just, I didn't think you were leaving so soon and I, I just, it's so hard not having you here. I can't keep hurting myself by, loving you. I just, I know I sound crazy and I've just, I've had a hard week. God, how can I say that you've probably been having a way worse week then me. I'm, I'm sorry just, uh, get back soon, I can't, I'm just really struggling. That professor, the one in my department. He, he just keeps making moves on me. I just, Spence. I can't wait to see you in just two days. Rachel and Mia convinced me to go out for drinks tonight and try to relax. I uh, I love you. Bye." The message ended and I stared at my phone. Stella certainly sounded stressed and worried. There was something else too though. The professor that had been working on one of her research papers with her had been making moves on her. I thought he had stopped but now that I know he hasn't I guess I'm going to have to let him know to knock it the hell of. Stella could take care of herself. I knew that and it was good that she was going out with her friends tonight. Hopefully they had a good time and were back by the time I get back home. I looked at my watch, 19:32 read back to me. I grabbed my gear and entered the cages._

 _"Everything ok with Stella?" Jason asked me as I laid out my gear and quickly logged It back into the book._

 _"Yeah, I think so. She's just stressed with work and this professor won't take a hint that she's taken and she's been upset that I had to leave so suddenly after our last deployment and then we got extended so I think it just took a toll on her." I told him. I didn't like to share all this bullshit with the team but at times they were the only other ones to understand how hard having a relationship while being away all the time was. The compartmentalizing was taxing on a relationship. Ray spoke up, "You'll be back soon. She'll be back to normal after a little time together." Ray smiled as he spoke, I knew he was excited to see his kids and get back to his family. We all headed into the debrief room and quickly got that out of the way._

I walked through the apartment and said Stella's name a few times. I checked in her closet and saw her purse and favorite pair of heels were missing. She must still be out. I looked at the clock. It was nearly 00:00. That was a little strange for her to be out that late. I opened my phone and called her. It rang a few times before going to her voicemail. I frowned at the screen. This was strange. She would pick up no matter what she was doing if she saw I was calling from my cell. She knew that meant I wasn't on active duty. She knew that meant good news. I nearly jumped out of my skin as my phone rang in my hands. A slight worry went through my body as I thought about this. The vibration shooting up my arm. It always took me a few days to ease back into normal life of not being on edge all the time. Sonny's name came across my screen.

"Hey man what's up?" I answered quickly and pressed the phone to my ear as I pulled a few of my belongings out of my bag.

"Hey, did you know Stella's out? I figured you guys would be like bunnies right now." Sonny chuckled, "She's at Rodger's Pub on 7th Street, it looks like she's with her friends but she's certainly had a lot to drink." Sonny continued.

"Yeah, I was wondering where she was actually. I'll come pick her up. Hey, could you keep an eye on her for me? I want to surprise her." I explained as I pulled my shoes back on and grabbed my car keys off the hook.

"No problem man, see ya soon." There was a slight slur to Sonny's words and I knew he was probably adjusting back to civilian life as he always did, with a large amount of liquor. I began my drive to the bar which was only about 20 minutes away. Excitement was building in my stomach as I got closer and closer. My phone rang in the cup holder of my car as I exited the highway. It was Jason this time. I had been driving for nearly 15 minutes, I was so close to her, I contemplated letting Jas go to voicemail but I knew I couldn't. Especially not when I knew Jason had been banged up on our op. He could be hurt.

"Hey Jason, what's up?" I asked as I pressed the phone in between my ear and my face.

"Spencer, listen to me. I know Sonny told you to come to Rodgers but you need to come to St. Meredith Hospital. I can explain when you get here." Jason's voice was shaking in a strange way, it was strained and it sounded the same way it did when missions were going every way but right. I gripped the steering wheel harder as I turned down the other street to go towards the hospital. My foot slamming down on the gas.

"Jason. What happened? Tell me what happened? Is Stella ok? Where's Stella?" I could hear panic in my voice and I tried to swallow it down.

"I-I honestly don't know. Sonny, he saw the guy she was with try to get her outside in the back alley, so he followed them but by the time he found them Stella was pretty banged up. Clay just get here ok? I'll meet you at the front door." Jason hung up the phone and I swore as I floored my car down the side streets doing whatever I could to get to the damn hospital.

SONNYS POV

I watched as Stella sat down in the booth with another drink and laughed with her friends. It was obvious she had been drinking but she wasn't anywhere near sloppy or dangerous. Clay could come pick up his girl and have himself a nice little surprise and then I could keep down these shots as record pace. I had considered going over and saying hi to Stella, letting her know Clay was on his way but for once I wanted to not give the kid a hard time. I turned back to the bartender and ordered another beer before turning back to glance at Stella again. I watched as her face changed and she whispered to her friends something as a guy approached their table. She seemed ok but maybe a little uncomfortable. A girl across the room caught my attention as she danced to the music but I glanced back over to Stella's table as her friends got up to use the bathroom. Stella stayed and the guy sat down in the booth. I watched as Stella went to get up, probably to follow her friends to the bathroom but she stumbled over her own feet as she got up. The mystery guy was up in an instant and helped steady her as she made her way towards the bathroom. She turned slightly at one point and the look on her face made my stomach rumble with discomfort. Something was wrong. In the crowded room I lost her for a second but I got up to follow her. Something didn't seem right. I had never heard Clay talk about Stella being a big drinker, it seemed weird that she would be stumbling drunk. She didn't seem like she would be a big fan of that. As I pushed my way through the crowd her friends emerged from the bathroom.

"Hey, was Stella with you guys?" I asked the first girl I saw, "um, who are you?" They asked me, "I'm a friend of her boyfriends. Was Stella in the bathroom with you? That guy tried to help her over here." I told them as they stared at me like I was crazy. "No, she wasn't in there. That guy was a professor she works with though. He really likes her." One of her friends responded. I shoved through the crowds towards the back door. I slammed open the back door and it didn't take long for me to hear grunts and muffled shouting. I ran at the guy looming over Stella. He was practically lying on top of her, Stella's shirt was ripped, her bra slightly pushed to the side, my eyes wandered to the edge of her jeans. They were unbuttoned but still sat securely on her hips. My anger took over as I yanked the guy off of her and began to beat the living shit of him. Who the hell did he think he was. I would kill him. I could kill him. It would be so easy. A moan from Stella made me stop for a split second and look at his bloody and unconscious face beneath my hands. I kicked him one last time before I knealt down next to Stella again. She shrunk away from me, her whole body shaking from the cold or from fear or most likely both.

"Stella, shh, it's me, it's Sonny Quinn. I uh, I work with Spencer. Do you remember me?" I asked her quietly as I pulled off my flannel and attempted to put it around her shoulders. She flinched with every touch.

"S,S,sonny?" She slurred. He drugged her, looking into her bloodshot eyes it was obvious, she wasn't drunk she was drugged.

"I, I tried to, to fight. I tried." She started crying as the back door opened. One of Stella's friends emerged.

"Oh my God!" she yelled, "What the hell happened? Stella?" She began to come closer which only made Stella start shaking harder.

"Stop, just go inside. Listen to me. Call the police tell them he tried to rape her and he beat her. A man named Jason and Trent are going to be coming here. Wait for them and bring the out here." I instructed her. She stared blankly at me and then at Stella. "Go. I'm telling you, if youw ant to help go do that." I barked at her and felt Stella flinch again. She disappeared back inside. I yanked my phone out of my pocket and dialed Jason, it only rang twice before he answered.

"Sonny? You ok?" He asked, "Jason, get to Rodgers Pub on 7th as fast as you can. It's Clay's girl. Some bastard he, uh, he attacked her and drugged her. Bring Trent. Get here." My voice didn't sound as calm as it should be.

"Did you get the guy?" was all Jason asked as I listened to him hustling around and the slam of a car door. I looked behind me at the bloodied man laying unmoving on the ground.

"yeah, the police are on their way. We need to get her out of here before they come, she isn't in any place for questions." I told him as she continued to groan as I rearranged her in my arm. "Does Clay know?" He seemed to already know the answer to that question.

"No." I replied. Jason hung up the phone then and I turned my attention back to Stella.

"Alright, hey Stella? I uh, I'm gonna put this flannel on you ok?" I moved to wrap it around her shivering body more. The more I moved her to try to put her arms in the sleeves the more she cried and the more she groaned in pain.

"It's ok, we're gonna get you to a hospital, we're going to get you cleaned up, and Clay will be here soon." I tried to speak softly and be comforting but this was just way out of my element. The words left my mouth and something must have registered in her muddled mind because she tried to sit up.

"N,no. No Clay. He, h,h can't, s,see me. I, I no. Ple,please. No, no hospital." As she rambled on about not hospital and no Clay, Jason burst through the back door with Stella's friend.

"I called the police. I told them I needed to report it and they said they're on their way. They asked if Stella is willing to give a statement." She reported. Jason didn't even turn around as he replied "No, she will give a statement when she is in a better state of mind. For now they need to get this guy picked up. I have a friend in the department. I'll call him later. Go back inside and wait for the police. We'll be gone by now." Jason moved towards Stella.

"Listen, is she going to be ok? She's my friend. I should be helping." She tried to continue but Jason ignored her until she went back inside deciding to listen to her instructions. Trent came through the door as the girl went back inside and was at Stella's side.

"Talk to me. What happened?" Trent demanded as he began to feel her pulse. Stella scrambled and tried to sit up again.

"Trent, Christ she's drugged slow down." I grabbed at his arm as she started mumbling 'no' over and over again like a mantra.

"Stella, I'm Jason, we've met before. I work with Clay and this is Trent. He's going to help you ok? It's ok. You're safe." Jason spoke to Stella in a voice I'd only heard him use with his kids. After a few minutes of Trent examining her, only what he could see of her head and taking her pulse and vitals he turned to us.

"We should get her to the hospital. We can put her in our car. Jason, do you still have that friend at the hospital?" Trent asked as he added his jacket on top of my flannel.

"Yeah, I'll call him and then call Clay. Let's go." Jason said and stood up and began moving to his car to get it warmed up and ready to go. He pulled out his phone as he went and called his friend at the hospital asking for discrepancy and help with this situation.

"Jason, she said she didn't want Clay to know." I remembered her yelling out several times about this. "He will have to know Sonny, he is probably worried sick. We don't have to tell him everything but she will need his support. Get moving." Jason told me and I picked Stella up as gently as I could with the bruising on her chest, ribs, and shoulders. She still choked out some discomfort as I carried her. Jason called Clay and as we pulled up to the hospital Trent went in ahead to talk to Jason's friend and I carried Stella inside. Jason waited out front for Clay. As soon as I put her down on a stretcher she was pushed away from me and the panic in her eyes only calmed slightly as Trent appeared in her vision. All these hands on her. The only thing I felt was rage. She wasn't even my girl but she was a part of the team and the family. This bastard would pay for this more than he already had.

JASONS POV

I stood out front as Clay's car squealed into the parking lot. I watched him run across the parking lot and spot me.

"Jason, where is she?" He demanded as I put my hand in the center of his chest. "Clay. Hold on a minute, we need to talk." I tried to slow him down, get him to understand what he was walking into.

"Jason, tell me where the hell she is!" He shouted.

"Spenser! Sit the hell down. I'm damn serious. Sit. Down." My tone had changed from trying to comfort him to demanding but it was the only way to get through to him it seemed. Spencer sank down in one of the waiting room chairs and I stood in front of him.

"When Sonny called you he kept and eye on Stella. He noticed she seemed pretty drunk and thought it was weird that she was so gone. He saw her trying to get up and she could hardly stand. She was with her friends but they had gone to the bathroom. There was this guy with them and he had tried to help her to the bathroom. Sonny lost track of them in the crowd but he decided to go track her down because he thought it was weird. She wasn't in the bathroom though so he checked out back and he saw. Clay, the only person who has a right to tell you what happened is Stella but he tried to rape her. Sonny he got to him and called me and Trent and we brought her here. It seems he drugged her. She has some bruising on her ribs and her clavicle as well as her shoulders and wrists. She fought as hard as she could Clay. Sonny doesn't think he actually was able to uh, do anything but she was roughed up." Spitting all these facts out at Spencer was like watching a car crash. I saw his world get turned upside down in just a few minutes. It wasn't until Spencer was crossing the room that I realized who he was going after. Sonny had just walked in.

"Why the hell wouldn't you call me! As soon as you found her you should have called! You should have called me! She's probably scared shitless! Why the hell would you not call me and tell me what happened!" Clay was seething as he grabbed Sonny by the shoulders and slammed him into the wall, his arm went up across Sonny's neck. I yelled out at Clay to stop but Sonny shook his head. He could take it. "You think I didn't want to! I didn't want that! I wanted to! She begged me not to! She's ashamed and drugged you idiot! It's not my fault you weren't there!" Sonny spat back. As soon as the words were in the air I heard a punch from Clay's fist to Sonny's face. Sonny stumbled backwards as Clay continued to yell, the nurses had gathered around and were staring at the commotion.

"Why the hell did you not find her sooner! We, she, she needed someone! She, I wasn't, I couldn't, Damn it!" Spencer was at a loss for words at this pain. Sonny's voice had dropped in intensity as he saw Spencer breaking down, "Man, you think that isn't eating me up? She's family. I haven't stopped cussing myself since I found her." Sonny walked away after that and Clay took a few deep breaths as the nurses seemed to sink back into their jobs.

"Come on kid, let's go see if you can see her. If she's ready." I reminded him as I put a hand on his shoulder and lead him towards the elevator. This was the worst night back from deployment ever.

CLAYS POV

Jason and I walked out of the elevator and Trent emerged from a room a short ways down the hall. He walked over to us as if to intercept us from the room.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: thank you to all of the reviewers on the first chapter! I have not written on here in a long, long time and it is very rare that I feel this inclined to continue a story so thank you! Also, thank you to those of you who were so kind in pointing out that my formatting got messed up with the last chapter. I had no idea and probably wouldn't have noticed for a while had you not let me known! I'm so excited for this chapter. I expect 3-4 more chapters.

Trent put his hand on my shoulder. "The doctors are coming out to talk to you shortly. They're just taking her vitals one last time real quick and talking with Stella." Trent told me. Trent's face looked beat. His bags under his eyes were tell tale signs that the man needed sleep. Come to think of it, none of us had really slept since we got back from deployment. Ray was with his family but I had even seen Brock slipping in the hospital door after I had lost it a bit on Sonny. I didn't even know how the hell he found out. I'm sure if he knows then the whole damn unit will know soon. It didn't bother me as much as it probably should have. Two doctors then came up besides Trent and he began introducing us, "Clay this is doctor Smith who is a trauma doc and this is Doctor Cook who is a specialist in rape and assault therapy." Trent's words were just too blunt, just too damn much for me.

"Is, is, did that happen? No one, has, no one said it happened for sure. Was she raped?" I choked out, the air in this room seemed too thin.

"That is a discussion you should have with Stella." Doctor Cook responded, "but no, there was an attempt, it was still sexual assault and there will still be traumatic repercussions from this event but no Stella fought him off and your friend got outside in time. That isn't an attempt to downplay what happened but no." She explained.

"Lets hear about her physical injuries first and then we can talk about how to proceed with her mental injuries, ok? Spencer, would you like to take a seat?" Smith asked me and moved towards a few chairs in the corner of the lounge area. I shook my head, "I'd like to see Stella." I told them. "Clay, listen to what they have to say and then you can see her. Please." Trent never spoke like that, he was not one to beg. I took a seat in the chair more so for Trent's sake than for my own. I noticed Jason had disappeared.

"Spencer, your girlfriend came into our trauma bay with some bruising along her clavicle and collar bones, as well as some trauma to her chest and rib cage. We did x rays as well as various other scans and discovered no broken bones. There is bruising however which will be sore for a few weeks but should not have any permanent effect on Stella. She had low blood pressure and some dilation to her pupils from the drug that her attacker put in her drink. She's on IV fluids to help get the drug out of her system. She won't feel great in the next 24-48 hours." The doctor continued on about pressure levels and blood sugars and how to help her through the side effects of the drug and how they will be waking her every 2 hours to check on her concussion that she has from being hit against the sidewalk. It was all too much. I couldn't do this, I couldn't help her. She didn't deserve this and I was in no shape to help her through this. I turned to Trent, "Can you please explain this in some damn normal language this is bullshit." I lost my temper and placed my head in my hands.

"Sure Clay." I felt Trent's hand on my shoulder, "What the doctors are trying to say is, she has no broken bones, that's a good thing. She has some bruising over her ribs, like you did after that mission a few weeks ago, but that will start to feel better in a few weeks. She has a concussion so they'll be in every two hours to wake her up and ask her a few questions to make sure she's still doing ok. Mostly she's going to feel like she's hungover tomorrow and maybe slightly the next day but it's just from the drug going through her system. She may be a little groggy from the mild doses of pain medication they have her on and the drug. She has a broken wrist so they have it wrapped up past her elbow until the swelling goes down and they can cast it but for now it's not very mobile. She's going to be ok Clay, that's what they're saying. They're minor injuries but it just sounds like a lot." Trent kept his voice even like he does when he's explaining injuries to us in the field. He's a good doctor and an even better field medic.

"Did you work on her?" I asked in a sudden bout of curiosity as I continued to piece the night together. "No, I looked her over when I got to the bar to see if I thought she should be brought to the hospital. She was saying she didn't want to. She needed to though, just to be sure. Once we got her to the hospital though I thought it would be better to have female doctors working on her. I thought she may be more comfortable. I don't have clearances for this hospital anyway." I took a deep breath in and held it for a second before releasing it.

"OK, so can I go see her now?" I asked yet again. "Let's talk about her mental state Spencer." Doctor Cook was speaking now in a voice that oddly made me feel like I was the only getting therapy.

"What Stella went through was traumatic. It can be difficult to deal with and I recommend she seeks counseling to help deal with these events. I can help her while she stays here at the hospital. However, I have tome pamphlets I can give you about being in a relationship with a victim of this kind of violence. I recommend being very open with her that you don't expect physical relations of any kind until she's ready. It may seem and feel silly but you have to remember her best friend right now is being asked too much if things are ok. If you want to touch her, ask, if you want to hold her, ask. If you want to kiss her, which I don't recommend at the moment, see if she's ok with that. She needs to know that you're going to wait patiently until she is back to a point of comfort." Dr. Cook paused, "Unless you feel Stella would be better off not having more complications in her life or if you feel you can't handle this kind of trauma with your line of work then I suggest you let her know now and not when she is in the midst of recovery." I looked up at her in outrage, "I, I wouldn't leave her. I love her. I,I'll do whatever it takes. I, I want to rip this guy apart. I'm not leaving." I demanded.

Dr. Cook seemed to already be expecting this answer. "Remember Clay, I'm here for you too as a resource or as a person to talk to but it seems you have many members of your family to lean on." I nodded to her. Trent hadn't left since the doctors had arrived to talk to us but Jason was back now. Sonny and Brock were close behind them.

"Would you like to see her now?" that question was all I needed to propel my feet down the hallway. I stood outside her door for a second and Dr. Cook went in first. Trent grabbed my shoulder and added, "She looks bad Clay. Remember she'll be ok with time. The tubes and the wires make it look worse."

"Stella, you have a visitor. You think you're up for a visitor?" I listened to her ask. I didn't hear a response but the door was opened wider for me and Dr. Cook stepped out as I stepped in. I took a moment to look Stella over from head to toe. Her eyes looked glazy and hazy like they did 3 months ago when she was feverish with the flu, her face had some cuts and bruises on them, the hospital gown was practically hanging off her shoulder and I could see the edges of hand print bruises that lingered there. My eyes landed on the guaze and wrap they had her wrist in until the swelling went down. She looked so small as I eyed the IV's and antibiotic lines. She looked exhausted and she looked at me with apprehension.

"I, I didn't even know you, you were home." She stammered and didn't look up from her bed sheets. "Am I, uh, are you really here?"

"Yeah Stel, I'm here. I was, uh, I was going to surprise you." I replied with my voice as quiet as I could make it. I hadn't moved from my stop right inside the door.

"I'm, I'm I'm so sorry. I, Clay, I tried, I couldn't, he was, it was, I couldn't move. I couldn't move, and then, then he was grabbing at me. I, Clay I'm sorry, I understand. I'm, I'm just sorry." Stella was crying so hard I could hardly understand her. Her tears moved me forward towards her bed. I didn't want to startle her but as she sobbed she didn't seem to be bothered by me coming closer.

"Stella, woah, woah, shhh, just slow down. Slowww down. Take a deep breath. Shhh, lets talk about what's going on. What are you taking about? You understand what?" All I wanted to do was reach out and hold her in my arms. I almost couldn't resist but that was just the selfish side of me.

"I understand if you need to, to, not be with me. I, I should've, I could've seen this coming. I was tipsy, I should have gotten away. I, can deal with it. You, you can go. I'm, I'm fine." Her voice caught again and she was sobbing all over again.

"Stel, hey, hey, look at me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not. I love you so much, so damn much. I don't care about this. We will get through this together ok? You're not alone. You aren't loosing me. It might be a little messy and I'll probably screw it up a bit but we can figure this out. Stel, shhh, breath." Her sobs racked her body, "What are you comfortable with? Can I, uh, can I hold you? Can I hold your hand maybe?" I felt like I was in 1st grade asking for something as basic as to hold her hand but it didn't matter. Stella nodded so fast I cracked a tiny smile. It was all I could manage. I took her hand gently and rubbed circle around on the back of her palm.

"Just breath, you just breath ok? It's all ok. I'm here Stel, I'm not going anywhere." I repeated this over and over for several minutes until she was breathing better. It was after a few minutes that she scooted over on the bed, "um, if you, if you want you can lay with me." Her voice was still slightly slurred from the drugs but I didn't mind at all. It sent me into fits of internal rage but it didn't bother me.

"Yes, of course. Just, please let me know if it's too much. That's all I ask." I slowly eased onto the bed and she instantly curled into my side and let the tears begin to fall again. I didn't want to move much and try anything new by rubbing her arm or her back so I stuck with running my hands through her hair and circles on her palm.

"Stella, do you remember what happened?" The question came out of my mouth before I could stop it. "I, I, yeah. I do. It's, uh, a little hazy but, I do." Her voice was quiet and small as she spoke, "Can I tell you, I just, I want you to, I want you to know." She told me in an honest moment as she tucked her head further into my chest.

"Only if that's a decision you want. I don't have to know everything, I don't have to hear about it tonight. It's up to you." I wanted her to make this decision on her own. I hated that I felt like I was pushing her already. I was terrible at this. She took a shaky breath in.

"I was, I was having a good time. I know I called, I called earlier and I was all a mess and all over the place. I was just, just stressed. I was having a g,good time. But then he, he came up and I felt super dizzy and, and groggy. I I didn't know. I tried to go to the bathroom. He uh, he tried to help me but he, he wasn't actually h,helping me. He pulled me outside and um he hit me in the stomach and then k,kicked me. I, I was so, s,sca,scared Spencer. I could hardly move and he was, he beat me. Then he, he yanked my shirt and it ripped and he, he was grabbing all over, he grabbed all over and he went for my jeans but I kick,kicked him. It, it hurt so bad. He was grabbing my hips, it, it hurt so bad. Just before he, he got my jeans, he, um, Sonny he started beating him. I, I he gave me his shirt. I, I he didn't leave me, and then your, your boss and and uh Trent came and damn they, they were so nice. I, I should thank them. I have to thank them." Stella finished her story like it was nothing and moved to get up before the pain caught her off guard.

"Woah, slow down, easy. You can thank them later. I'll be talking to them in a bit I swear. I'll let them know." I put my hand on her arm and she flinched before apologizing. Shit.

"Stella, we're going to get this guy. He won't hurt you ever again. I'm, I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I would do anything to go back and be there for you. I'm here now and I'm not leaving. I love you so damn much." I told her as she clung to my shirt and continued to cry. I laid there as she finally drifted to sleep for a few minutes.

She lurched up and grabbed at her ribs, "I'm, I'm I feel sick." I hopped up as fast as I could and grabbed the basin as she leaned forward and started getting sick.

"Shit, it's ok. Breath." I tried to hold her body so she didn't have to work as hard but she was still slightly out of it from her slumber and I could feel her shaking under my hands. I pushed the nurse call button. She tried to get breaths in between bouts of throwing up and heaving but it was difficult. It went on for several minutes before it started to subside and the comforting circles on her back seemed to finally begin to help instad of panic her.

"Is this ok? You can tell me if it isn't." I tried to make sure she wasn't just putting on her brave front. She nodded her head that it was so I just kept going. The nurse walked in as I handed her a cup of water to take some small sips.

"She was sleeping but she got sick. I don't know what happened." I told the nurse as she looked at her chart and her vitals on the monitor. She was still having a hard time breathing through the pain and she was still heaving every few minutes.

"Is she, uh, is she ok? Is something wrong? She's in a lot of pain. Is she ok?"

"Could you step out for a few minutes? I can come get you when I'm finished but I'm going to examine her again." The nurse didn't even look up as she spoke but I could tell Stella was comfortable with her as she nodded to me. I hesitated, I certainly didn't want to leave. The nurse finally glanced up, "I can update your friend as soon as I have one. Please give us room." The room suddenly had more people in it and I finally hugged and left. Jason was waiting for me.

I slumped against the wall and he pulled up a chair for me. "How is she?" He asked in the same tone he uses when we're on opts. It's funny how eventually our two identities, soldier and citizen just become one.

"She's shaken up. The nurse just kicked me out. Says she needs to examine her or something. I just, I feel so incompetent. Give me a gun and I'm fine but give me someone who just had a trauma happen to them that I actually give a damn about and I'm screwed." I didn't intend to actually say the words but once they were out there it felt damn good. Jason nodded.

"Listen Clay, we've been put on leave for 5 days. With my ribs I can push it to 7. If you tell Blackburn what is going on he can probably keep you stateside for 2 weeks. It's up to you but it's worth it to think about. Honestly, he'd probably pull the whole team. I just want to let you know that you have my blessing and my backing to do it. I had to let Mandy know what was going on and Davis too but Blackburn doesn't. It's your call." Jason's words weren't exactly sinking in at the moment but I nodded anyway. Trent came up besides us with Brock. Brock stayed silent besides a squeeze to the shoulder. I appreciated him coming more than he would know.

"I got an update from the nurses for you Clay."

"What happened? Is she ok? Did I do something, I mean was I keeping her from resting?" The questions were coming faster than my brain was thinking.

"No man, you're doing fine. The drugs and the stress just got her feeling not too hot right now but as you can imagine throwing up with busted ribs isn't easy. They're going to sedate her for a while after they run a few follow up tests." This didn't sound too bad. It mad my blood practically boil at the fact that all of this was happening but it sounded like she was ok. "You should eat Spencer." Jason's use of my first name made my head snap up. "Let's go." He added, "I should really stay" The thought of leaving made my stomach crawl. What if she needed me? What is she got nervous? What if she got sick again?

"For Christ's sake you haven't eaten since we've been back. None of us have. You're going down with us to get something to eat. You're no damn good to her if you can't keep your eyes open because you're exhausted and haven't fueled you body. She needs you so stop being an idiot." Jason's reply was sharp but it was what I needed to hear.

"Alright, I just uh, I need to apologize to Sonny and I have to say thank you to both of you." I was looking between Jason and Trent as I spoke, "You guys treated Stella like family and you did everything you could to help her. I just, I don't know what to say. Thank you." Neither of them replied for a moment before Jason simply said, "She's your girl so she is part of the team. Team is family. End of story. Talk to Sonny. We'll meet you down stairs."

I found Sonny in the other waiting area on the floor. He was dozing off with his ball cap pulled over his face and his boots kicked up on the table in typical Sonny fashion.

"Don't just stand there and stare at my pretty ass." Sonny muttered from under his hat. He slowly removed it from his face and slammed both feet on the ground, his boots echoing in the quiet area around us. "What's on your mind Clay? Pretty boy back to slam me into another wall? I won't let it happen this time." His words were angry but his tone held no malice as he spoke.

"Look, Sonny I, uh, I'm sorry. I reacted before I thought about it and I, I didn't have the whole story. Stella she wanted me to thank you. I'm sure she'll want to tell you herself later but uh, I need to thank you again. You, you treated her as family tonight. You, you wwatched out for her. I, I always know you'll have my back in the field. I do. But tonight, you uh, you treated someone I care about like she, she was team too. I uh-"

"Clay- I'm gonna cut ya off right there. There's nothing to apologize for and nothing to thank me for. She is part of the team just as much as anyone. If it was Ray's kids, or his wife, or Jason's kids, it's all the same man. It goes further than just us. Now enough of this shit, I hear Stella's doing alright but you gotta go get some food. Let's go."

It was as simple as that but Sonny Quinn was cool with me again, there was no elaborate conversation, no crazy discussion. That was the best part of Sonny. He didn't need to know much beyond the fact that he was your brother. We silently walked to the elevator and went down to the cafeteria. I forced a burger down my throat and tried to ignore Jason's eyes on me as I picked at my food.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: So, I'm not sure if this will be the last chapter or if there will be one more… I'll see how the chapter writes itself. I appreciate the reviews and really enjoy hearing from you guys so please keep them coming. Let me know what you guys want to see and read! Enjoy! I apologize for slowing down the progress on this story a little bit. Between school and all other activities, it's hard to find time to write. Anyway… on to the story!

After eating a bit of tasteless food, I shook hands with the guys and watched as they all filed out.

"Call me in the morning, let me know how everything is going. We'll be back tomorrow I'm sure. We can talk to Blackburn another day. Try to get some rest." I tried to focus on Jason's words as the tiredness began to sneak into my bones again. I was exhausted. It was almost 4 in the morning and I hadn't slept since getting back from deployment.

I walked back into the nurse's station area of Stella's room floor. A nurse from earlier spotted me and came around from behind the booth.

"Mr. Spenser let me give you a quick update on Stella and then I can get you some sheets for your cot if you'd like." Her voice was soft, she was young. Maybe 26 or 27. I was glad she was working Stella's case tonight. I nodded and followed her outside of Stella's door.

"She was experiencing a bit of the side effects of the drugs that she was given. That was what caused the nausea earlier. She is doing just fine now. She was never not stable she just was sore from the bruising of the ribs and the vomiting. She hasn't been sick since and we've had her on some light sedation to help her get some rest. You should try to rest while she is. That's usually the best system to keep everyone kickin' while trying to help." She smiled as she spoke to me in a kind tone. It was making me sleepy listen to her tell me Stella was ok. It felt like the mission had ended, we had debriefed, and now it was time to rest. She handed me sheets for the cot but as I quietly entered the room I sank into the seat next to Stella's bed and put the sheet around my shoulders as I watched her sleep. I had no intentions of being any further away from her than right here. I had already hated leaving her when she was sick. Her breathing was so even and soft. She was so peaceful right now, if I ignored the bruising and the slight hitch every few breaths I would never have known about the events from earlier in the night. It wasn't more than a few minutes of staring at her sleep that I laid my head down and drifted off.

I woke a few times throughout the night to nurses coming and going to check her vitals and to make sure she had everything she needed. To confirm she was still as stable as the last time they checked. Then there were the times that Stella would startle awake and whimper from the pain of sitting up suddenly as she was brought back to her senses, shaking and sweating from memories of hands on her body. Those were the painful times to be awake. I would calmly remind her she was safe, that I would never hurt her. She would nod and then I would stroke her hair, only once she was aware of who I was would I try to comfort her back to sleep for an hour or so when she would wake again. The process continued time and time again until about 8 am when she woke up to the morning night. She made it through the night. For some reason this seemed like the hardest challenge in front of us at the moment. Just make it through a few nights and then all would be ok.

"Hey." Stella messed with the seam of the blanket that was pulled up around her shoulders. I could tell she was nervous as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ears.

"Spenser, I um, I just want to check one last time. I want to make sure you're gonna stay. I just uh, I I'm not sure I can handle it if you leave once I get back home and uh and everything." Her voice cracked, and my heart broke at her words. How could she ever think I would leave her? She was my everything.

"Stella, listen to me as I say this. You are so special. You are so strong, and you are so damn brave. Every time we spin up for a mission I fight so hard to come back quick, so we can be together again. You know this. I love you and if you'll have me I'm not going anywhere. This isn't going to be easy and I know that, but we can do this together. We can. We just have to talk and to communicate. I love you. Please Stel, believe me." I poured my heart out as fast as I could before I would screw it all up. She reached forward across the bed and kissed me. Not completely how she normally would but it was something. It was a start.

"Does that bother you? I mean, kissing. That doesn't make you uncomfortable right now does it?" I had to ask the question at some point. What was bothering her? What would bring back memories.

"To be honest, a little bit. I just think I have to get um used to it again. Remind myself you won't hurt me? I don't know. Now that the drugs are worn off I feel better." Her admittance was crushing me. She could tell me whatever she needed from me right now. Anything.

"It's ok Stella. It really is." I ran my hands over hers as we sat there and talked for hours. I told her mundane details from the mission. None of the classified stuff but all of the tiny bits in between just grasping at things to say to fill the space. I pushed her to eat her entire breakfast and lunch as nurses came and continued to look at her stats and vitals. Finally, the trauma doctor came in and let us have some good news. She would be discharged in the afternoon. She had her first therapy appointment scheduled for the next week after 2 days of being at home. They said they wanted her to be at home and try to readjust a little bit first and get a chance to process what had happened. Stella's face was smiling for the first time since before I left. It gave me hope that this would be ok. We would be ok. I could go back overseas, and she would be ok. I believed in her, I had unwavering faith that should would make it through but seeing that amazing smile made me believe it.

In between the news of being discharged that night there were a few scans and some tests confirming that all was well with her. Stella had continued to tell me that I looked like hell. I was still in the clothes that I was wearing yesterday on our travels back home and had worn them all day and night. I felt disgusting but there was no way I was leaving. The universe seemed to have different plans though as I went to refill my coffee cup I spotted Mandy and Davis walking out of the elevator.

"Clay, how is she?" Mandy asked as she approached me, "You look like hell. Here have some real coffee." She offered me a cup of Starbucks and I nodded as I took a few large gulps.

"Thank you. Um, well, she's getting discharged tonight so that's good. She uh, she's still a little off kilter and a little nervous but for the most part she's good. She has some bruising on her ribs and a fracture in her wrist so that's in a cast and she's got bruising on her arms and legs and stuff but um, all things considered. Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call it just, it- "

"Let me stop you there." I heard Blackburn behind me suddenly, "You had no reason to call us. We're a team, we found out, we're here to help. Say the word and we'll get out of here and let you deal with it yourself, but I needed to at least come check in." I turned to face him as he put a hand on my shoulder. I simply nodded and mumbled words of thanks.

"Christ, you really do look like hell. Here I brought you a change of jeans and a new sweatshirt. I figured we're at least similar in size so it won't be perfect, but I didn't feel like breaking into your apartment." Eric handed me a small duffle bag and offered a small smile, "I threw some shampoo and stuff in there. Trent talked to his doctor friend here and they let us know you could us the staff shower when you wanted to get cleaned up."

"And I brought these for Stella. The leggings of the sweatpants would be comfortable and I put in a couple options for shirts. I didn't know how immobilized her arm was in the cast." Davis told me and handed me her own bag as well. I smiled at them. "Thank you. Really, thank you. This will mean a lot to her and it uh, it was really kind of you guys." Mandy and Davis nodded and gave me each a quick hug. Both being women they knew just how this could happen to anyone. It could have been them. Eric waited until they both had walked away before turning back to me.

"Level with me, how is she really? How are you?" His voice was softer than I'd heard before. It was different somehow, yet I couldn't completely put my finger on what exactly it was.

"She's shaken up. I'm doing ok. I just am struggling with how to help her. How to be there for her without making things worse. That's the hard part. I feel like I'm going to screw things up for her more." Eric only nodded at me.

"Jason and I spoke and we're pulling the team for any trainings and operations for 7 days and then we are only one training level for another 7. After that we can reevaluate and see where you are. The team won't go out again for another full deployment of anything over 2 weeks of time for at least 3 weeks." I tried to speak over him, "I don't want to hold the guys back. If we're needed let them go."

"That's not how we operate, and you know it. Last year when Ray's kid was in the hospital with a kidney infection we were off duty for 2 weeks. It wasn't easy to get it cleared but we made it happen. It's what we do for family. It isn't like we can do it for every scrape and bruise, but this was a major trauma Clay and we're not blind to that fact. We see a lot of shit but that doesn't make this any less terrible. Take the time. Help Stella get back to feeling a little safer. Then you can go and get back to serving without feeling like she's scared and alone." His rationale left no room for argument as I stood there and finished the rest of my coffee. I nodded silently as he seemed to let me soak this in.

"Thank you. You have no idea. Thank you." I closed my eyes and pinched the space between my brow as if that would get the headache to go away. "The guys said they would be back over later today to bring ya'll some dinner before you get discharged. They heard Stella wanted to see them, but they'll understand if she isn't up for the world's loudest and most rambunctious visitors." I chuckled and for just a moment I felt better. "Could you let them know I think it'd be better to wait until she's home?" I heard him reply sure and when I opened my eyes again he was gone. The two bags were at my feet and I let out a deep breath of air that I hadn't realized I had been holding.

When I got back to Stella's room I was surprised to see her crying in her bed.

"Woah, woah, woah, what's wrong? What happened? Are you in pain?" I immediately dropped the bags in a chair, long having forgotten about the possibility of a shower or a real meal and consumed by her.

"The police department just called and asked the nurses if I was ready to give my statement. They, they can't hold him anymore if I don't. Th,they have to have something to charge him with. They'll, their on th, their way." She hiccupped through the explanation before beginning to pull herself together. I simply held her as she did, and we waited together until a male and female cop walked in.

"Are you Stella?" They asked as they entered. I immediately stood up as I saw her flinch and visibly pull back. "We're here to take your statement. We can do this however you would like. I'm happy to ask the questions or my partner can but we have to have two officers present. So, if you'd be more comfortable with a male of female conducting the interview let us know your preferences." I hadn't even realized I had put myself between them and the bed.

"Female would uh be better." Her voice was more timid than usual. It caught me off guard. I mean she had been slurred and stuttering yesterday but this was fear. Yesterday she seemed to be relieved yesterday at least when we were together. Right now, this was something else. This was fear. I took her hand, but she pulled it away slowly.

"Your boyfriend can stay if you'd like or he can leave. It's up to you. Whatever will make you most comfortable." The female detective's voice was quiet and soft. She had pulled up a chair next to the bed while the other officer, the friend of Jason's, had taken up a spot in the corner of the room with his laptop out ready to detail every moment of the last 48 hours.

"There is no reason for you to hear it again. You can go." The words brought me out of my gazes at the officers. She wanted me to leave? She wasn't even looking at me as my eyes searched her face for some sort of sign of what I should do. I nodded. I wouldn't stay if she didn't want me to. I wouldn't do anything she didn't want at this point in time. I slowly pushed myself out of the chair that had become my bed for the past 24 hours and slowly shut the door behind me. I heard her room door open and close again and turned to see Jason's cop friend standing there.

"Hey man, I'm Michael. I just wanted to introduce myself. We'll be talking with Stella for about a half an hour. Since she thinks it's best for you to wait out here you should take the time to shower and get something to eat. I'll let you know when we're done." It was nice to have someone giving me orders. Shower. Eat. Come back for an update. That was simple and indisputable. I eyed the duffle bag that was behind the nurse's station desk and shook Michael's hand before grabbing it and taking the directions to the staff shower.

I came back from a hot shower and finding a salad in the cafeteria and knew I still had a few minutes until they would be done with Stella. Eric's jeans were a good fit and the Navy sweatshirt was old and faded but a hell of a lot more comfortable than the t-shirt I had been wearing in the past 2 days ago when I got on a plane to fly back stateside. It wasn't long until both Michael and his partner walked out.

"She's asking for you. You should know that reliving it can set a person back but it's temporary. She's a little shaken up again. The court date should be in a few weeks. She has agreed to testify and we're getting a statement from a Sonny Quinn later today who also said he would testify. We should have enough information to hold him and charge him." The detective put her hand on my arm as she spoke as if she was holding me in place and keeping me from sprinting out the door. That felt like a better idea than staying here at the moment. I walked slowly into Stella's room to find her curled on her side crying.

"Woah, shhh, what's goin on baby. I know it was hard. Talk to me it's ok. It doesn't matter if I've heard it before. I'll listen to it a thousand times if it helps." This only made her cry more. "I'm I'm sorry Stel. What, what'd I say? Christ I'm, I'm sorry." I reached my arms out to hold her, but she flinched so hard I thought she was going to hurt herself.

"It's ok. I, I, y,you didn't do an,anything. I, I just wished I wo,would stop push,pushing you away. I, I'm sorry. I'lve, it's, it's just so much." She hiccupped through the tears as she spoke.

"Oh shhh, it's ok. I swear. It's ok. I don't mind. Just tell me what to do. I'm here Stella." She grabbed my hand and I grabbed it back as I sank into the chair next to her bed once again and buried my head in the side of the mattress for just a second as tears leaked out of the sides of my eyes. I wasn't here and I should have been. I should have been here. I couldn't let her see the pain in my eyes as I lifted my head and dared to press a kiss to her forehead as she cried herself to sleep.

I watched her as she slept and woke her both times she whimpered in her sleep for Sonny to stop. Stop what? Beating him? Why the hell should he have stopped? She was just too good. Too pure. The second time she had simply been in pain as she shifted under the covers attempting to get away from grabbing hands pulling at her jeans. The final time though she stayed awake as the nurse detached her IV and removed the monitors. She signed her forms and smiled weakly at me as she declared she was ready to leave.

I went back and forth in my head 3 or 4 times deciding if I should help her change or have the nurse do it. I didn't want her to think I was pushing her into anything. I mean just helping her change could make her think that I don't realize it'll take time for her to be comfortable around me again. I didn't want that. I would wait until she was good and ready to be kissed again, to be touched again, to be loved in that way again. There would be no pressure. Before she had the chance to think about it herself I clapped my hands on my thighs and pushed myself out of my chair.

"I'll give you some privacy to get changed. Sarah can you come get me once you're done? I'll make sure the paperwork is all sorted out." I didn't wait for Nurse Sarah to respond to me as I hustled out of the room before Stella's eyes could bore into mine searching for answers I didn't have. I was surprised to see Trent outside talking to the nurse and looking over a chart, his hair was in his face and as he looked up to me he shoved it back the way he does when he's stressed. I took this time to respond to my few texts from Mandy and Davis both reminding me to text them if I needed anything over the next couple weeks and to keep them updated. I responded to Jason who was insistently texting me about when the guys could come by and see how she was doing. Let them know they supported her. I let him know that once we got some food and got settled at the apartment I would see if she was up for a short visit with them. Nurse Sarah was next to me before I knew it, letting me know that she was dressed and ready to go.

"Alright Stella, you have your pain medication you should continue to take it when you feel necessary and begin to wean yourself off after a few more days. I'd like to see you for a follow up in two weeks and if you have any problems before then please come in before then. You should be woken up every few hours for the next 48 hours but please remember to try to get some rest. You'll need to take it easy for a couple of weeks. At your follow up appointment we can begin to see if you can go back to working out and being more active but for now take it as some time to relax. You have you therapy in a few days. Please don't hesitate to call if you have questions." The doctor shook her hand before leaving us alone.

"Alright, you ready?" It felt like a loaded question. "Yeah, let's go. I'm ready to get out of here." I grabbed her hand as she stood from the bed. I didn't miss the fact that she slightly leaned into me as we walked. I grabbed her elbow to help her out to the car, her bag slung over my shoulder.

AN: ok yes there will be more chapters lol. I just wasn't sure how quickly I would wrap this up.


	4. Chapter 4

As I opened the door to our apartment, this shared space that had begun to feel like home to me, I could feel Stella hesitate. I tried not to hover as I put her bag on the couch. I watched as she walked in and leaned gingerly against the counter top.

"Are you hungry?" I asked hesitantly, she had seemed off since the cops had interviewed her. She didn't answer as she stared at the floor. I took a step forward but stopped as she flinched at the sudden movement.

"Stel, are you hungry?" I tried again, "S,sorry um not really. I, I really, I need to shower." I took a deep breath as she reached for the bag off the couch. I reached out my hand but stopped short not wanting to startle her again.

"I'll make some grilled cheese and Tomato soup if that sounds good." I had remembered her telling me once her mom would make that for her when she was sick. She only nodded as she stopped short before the bathroom. "Are you ok to shower?" She nodded again but still didn't turn around.

"Um, I, I know the guys want to come over. Uh a,after dinner would be good." Her voice was hesitant. I could tell she was crying, the silent kind where it hurts too bad to not make a sound but you can't bring yourself to let it out.

"Ok, I'll uh, I'll them know." She opened the door then and I listened until the shower turned on and tried with every fiber of my being to not smash the two bowls I had pulled out of the cabinet for soup. My anger got the best of me for a split second as I smashed it in the sink before proceeding to pick of the pieces. She was doing so well when she was in the hospital. Was it being home? Was it me? Should she stay with a friend? Did she not feel safe? Was she mad at me? Why would she suddenly not talk to me? I turned the stove on and pondered this as I made dinner.

It had been nearly 20 minutes when I knocked on the bathroom door. After he first 10 I had tried to convince myself she was just relaxing and enjoying herself but after a few more minutes I couldn't take it anymore. I just needed to know if she was ok. I gently knocked on the door, "Stel? You alright in there?" I waited a moment before she yelled weakly over the shower that she was fine. She'd be out soon. I heard the door open and pulled the soup off the stove. She had put on a baggy pair of sweatpants and a Navy t shirt of mine. She looked beautiful despite the bruising the I could see around the edge of the collar of the shirt and around her cheek bones. Despite the cast and the bags under her eyes. Despite it all she still took my breath away with her strength.

"You don't have to worry about me all the time. You're hovering. Stop." Her voice was sharp as she sat down next to me.

"I'm sorry." I was at a loss for words. So she was mad at me. I wasn't even sure how to fix this. "The guys are coming by at around 7 pm." I tried to change the subject to something lighter. She smiled at that for just a moment before eating a few more bites of her sandwich. I filled the silence with some jokes about funny things Sonny had been up to and how the new guy on our team had been giving him Hell. Every small chuckle from her would end with a wince that made me see red thinking about what the professor did to her. Tried to do to her. Would have done to her. She tried to do the dishes but I wouldn't let her. I kept telling her I could see she was hurting and sore still and to just sit down and watch some tv. Try to relax before the guys came. She had hardly eaten her dinner. As the hot water steamed over my hands I glanced up at her wiping at her cheeks. I went to sit next to her, leaving the dishes to soak when I knew they didn't need to. As I sat down next her she pulled me in to her side and kissed me. It shocked me. She had seemed to be avoiding contact with me all day and now she was trying to kiss me. I pulled back, shocked and afraid to do something she wasn't ready for. Something was there in her eyes as they stared back at me. I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Stella's POV

Before I could even ask Clay to help me get dressed to go home for the hospital he was up and out of his chair. I knew he was worried but now he seemed just downright stressed. Did he not want to see the bruising? Did he not want to see me at all? Touch me? Help me? Was he only sticking around until I was better and then leaving? Did he even want me anymore? I held back tears that I knew were irrational and stupid and caused from the events of the past 48 hours. I knew that every time I flinched I was just putting more space between us. Half of me was screaming , "tell him to keep trying! You just have to go slow and let me readjust! Trust me, I want nothing more than to kiss you and hug you and feel safe in your arms!" and the other half was screaming "Don't lock him in with guilt. He can leave if he wants." The latter of the two was screaming louder so I just stayed silent as he continued to pull away with every attempted touch.

As we drove home from the hospital I thought about our kiss earlier. I had tried to move it forward towards how I would normally kiss him. Passionate and relaxed and hopefully sexy but all I could think about was hands grabbing at my waist and the feeling of my wrist bending and Sonny yelling. As I reached for Clay's hand I had to pull back but he beat me to the punch as he felt my flinch. I was losing him and it was all my fault. I was broken and he knew it. Why was I so caught up in this? I mean Professor Diles didn't even do anything. I mean yes, he assaulted me but it could have been so much worse. How long would it be until I felt like myself? Until I could think of sex and not break out in a cold sweat like I had earlier after the cops came. That was how Clay found me but I was careful to leave the out when he asked me what was wrong. That would certainly scare him away. Or even worse he would be patient and kind and understanding and I would be horrible for keeping him trapped in a relationship that couldn't even be intimate.

By the time we got home all I wanted was a hot shower. I was sore and uncomfortable but I wanted to wash my hair and get the smell of him off of me. To feel clean again. I knew Spencer was trying to be nice, but the pleasantries were getting old. If I can't be my old self when nothing even that horrible happened, then he should be done with me. If I had to convince him of that I would. As we sat on the couch together after dinner I kept getting lost in his eyes, losing track of what he was saying. I would listen for a few moments and then forget what exactly he was talking about. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, to be all over him. The thought of that though, of being intimate, was terrifying at the moment. If I couldn't though, he shouldn't stick around. If I couldn't do one simple thing then he should leave while it's still easy. I leaned forward, and he stopped talking. He whispered my name as I leaned in more. I kissed him softly before parting my lips and putting my hand on his shoulder and then onto his neck. I tried to make the kiss more intense, parting my lips more. I could feel myself shaking as I moved, trying to be sexy. He wasn't kissing me back very much. It was timid and confused. He didn't want this. I pulled away abruptly. My heart was pounding in my chest and for a few seconds as I heard him repeat my name, questioning if I was ok I could hear nothing but the sound of it beating and smell the professor all over me as if he was still right next to me. There was a loud knock on the door, but Clay didn't move.

"Stella? Are you alright?" I nodded, "Yeah, uh s,sorry." I tried desperately to play off his rejection. "I can ask them to come back later." My attention went back to the knock at the door. "No, no, uh get the, the door." I made a move to get up myself, but he got up quickly. He turned back to me, "You sure?" he ducked down to make eye contact with me on the couch. I nodded again and took a deep breath before plastering a smile on my face. All I could think about was him. He didn't want me.

CLAYS POV

She leaned towards me. She looked as beautiful as she always does when she moves to kiss me. There was hesitance in her eyes though. I wasn't comfortable with this though. I didn't want her to think she needed to move too fast. To push herself into something in hopes of moving on without healing. That woulnd't be healthy. Her hands were shaking as they latched onto my shoulders, trying to move to my neck. I didn't kiss back as she attempted to heat things up. Why was she doing this? The knock at the door sent her flying backwards. Now she looked shaken up.

I asked her several times if she was ok, each time she claimed she was but none of the times did I believe it. She looked hurt and that was the most confusing part of all. I selfishly let myself imagine getting to be with her again. Kissing her, grabbing her, her laugh as I carry her to bed. It had been since before deployment. I chased the thoughts out of my head, kicking myself for being such an asshole. I would do whatever I had to do to not pressure her. I could wait. I would be fine. She had to know that, right?

Sonny barged in with a case of beer. Jason, Mandy, Davis, Trent, Brock, and Ray all came filed inside.

"Hey Stella girl!" Sonny bellowed as he slammed the beer onto the counter. She laughed before wincing at the movement and settling back down. She started to get up when Ray interjected, "Ah, no need to get up. We're just here to hang out and drink beer but since you can't have any beer with your medications the girls brought you cookies." Leave it to Ray and the girls to think of a way to keep Stella resting as they came to see her. I gave Ray an appreciative look.

"So Stella, how do you feel?" Trent asked as he looked at the stitches across the side of her face and on her arm. "Any headaches? Nausea? Have you had any difficulty breathing?" I appreciated Trent checking up on her but even I would be annoyed with all the questions. I knew how Trent could get into his doctor mode and could be hard to get out.

"Good, um, yeah some headaches and uh the bruising is a little annoying on my ribs but uh, good. Doing well." She plastered a smile on her face as she rearranged a blanket over her feet.

"Well we're damn glad to hear that." Sonny said as he flipped on the tv and put his feet up on the coffee table.

"Listen, um, I just, thank you all. You've been, uh, so amazing. I just, I can't ever thank you enough." Stella stammered through her thank you that I know she so badly has been wanting to give them. I was surprised as she reached for Sonny's hand, "I mean it. Th,thank you Sonny." He only nodded at her. He seemed unsure of what to do, what physical contact she was ok with so he settled with patting the back of her hand.

"You're family Stel."

"We protect our own." Jason spoke from the back of the room. I hadn't heard him speak since he had come inside. I figured he would only be by for a little while which was fine by me. I didn't expect him to stay but I appreciated him coming. He pulled me aside then.

"Hey, how are you doing? How is Stella really doing? Is she good like she says?" Jason wouldn't look away from me as I tried to look anywhere but at him.

"Honestly, I'm not sure how she is. One second she seems fine but the next she seems like she's really struggling. I'm not sure how to, how to help or be, be good at this."

"It'll take time. It could take a long time but she'll be back. You're doing fine Clay." Jason reassured me. "I'm going to take off, drive Trent and Brock home but I think Ray, Sonny, and the girls are staying for a while. I'm assuming Blackburn talked to you today?" I nodded, "Good, well I won't expect to see you at base for 7 days. The rest of us will just be doing shootings and work outs. Just try to shoot a few times over the next few days if things are going alright." Jason grabbed his coat and left as simple as that.

I rejoined the group as they discussed sports teams and random topics never sticking on one subject for too long. This was nice, it was good to see her smile. Eventually everyone began to leave and I smiled as Jason gave her a hand off the couch to say goodbyes to everyone.

"Well, that was fun!" I smiled as big as I could as she made her way over to the counter.

"It was really good to see them and get to talk." I nodded as I drank the rest of my water and placed the glass in the sink.

"I'm going to do the dishes real quick. You could pick out a movie for us to watch if you wanted." I turned on the water and began loading the dishes into the dishwasher.

"I'm really tired uh, do you th,think we could go lay down. I, It's been a long day. Leave the dishes. Please." The way she said please made my stomach turn.

"Of course." I took her hand and walked to our room with her. I changed out of my jeans and was pulling my sweatpants to get ready for bed or to at least lounge around when she slipped her arms around my waist. There was still a tremble in her movements.

"Stella?" her name came out as a question. She hushed me before pulling me to bed. I didn't resist wondering where this could be going. She kissed me intensely. It took me by surprise. I didn't resist as much as before letting myself part my lips and allow her forward. I was stiff I could tell, fighting to not move the situation forward. Her mouth moved to my neck and I rolled my head back. Shit. She surprised me as she reached for the buttons on my flannel I was still wearing, she fumbled with them using only her good hand. Her breath was shaking, and she was gasping as she undid a few buttons. Something was wrong.

"Stella hold up." I tried reminding her we didn't have to rush. She pushed on trying to pull her own shirt off but giving up when she winced. I didn't like this. I saw her shut her eyes as she moved to push her sweatpants down, a glimpse of the bruising caught my eye and then the tear streaming down her face. No.

"Stella, stop." She didn't. "Stella, sweetie, stop trying to take your clothes off." I gently grabbed at her arms, but she pulled them away. "It's fine." I cut her off, "It's not." I scooted away from her, "It's not ok. You're shaking and crying, and you don't want this. Don't do this to yourself. What is going on? Let's not. Not tonight." This was her turn to shy away. She turned away from me and before I knew it was crying harder than before.

"Talk to me. Please, talk to me."

"Do you, do you not want to? I mean, I the bruising and the, the cast. I know, I know it won't be, be the same. I just, I think after a time, or, or two it'll be ok. It's it's really not the sex part it's, it's just the touching and the, the aggression. I, I'm ok. I, I'd understand if you, if you didn't want-" My mouth fell open. "Stella. Stop." I couldn't believe I was hearing this. "Believe me, I want to. I just, you're shaking and you're crying. I can't do that to you. I would never want to or intend to hurt you and I think I'd be hurting you by doing this tonight. Why, why are you rushing?" I was almost afraid to ask. She took a deep breath.

"I just, I know it's been a couple weeks. I was, I was so happy you were almost home and, I, I ruined it." She was so beautiful and so sweet and just so amazing.

"I love you Stella. I won't stop loving you. I love you so damn much it hurts. You know this. I would not leave you because of this. You have shown me how incredibly strong you and are it has made me love you more. I promise you. You have to talk to me though. I would never have known any of this. Please do not think that because you, you aren't in a place right now to, to uh do stuff that I want any less of you or think any less. I'm a patient guy Stel. I, I don't have to love it," I cracked a smile, "But I'll wait as long as you need. Don't force yourself into this. Please, the last thing you need to worry about is me not being ok with holding off or moving slow again. We can go as slow as you need, we can do whatever you need, however you need." She began crying harder, "I'm, I'm sorry I did that! I, I can't believe I, Oh I'm sorry." She crushed me in a hug, her cast settling on my chest as I pulled her into the hug as well. Her shaking had stopped. "Forget about it Stell, it's all alright. I promise. It's no big deal." She sniffled as I put an arm around her.

"Really Stel, no big deal, shhh. Just breath."

"A,are you sure. I, I mean don't just, just tell me what I want to hear." She leaned into my shoulder. "Yes. I'm positive. Shh. Just relax, this was a long day for you and for me. You should just focus on getting some sleep." I ran my hand through her hair as she seemed to finally relax against me. She just couldn't seem to calm down though. I wasn't sure if this would help or not but I had to try something.

"Stel, do you want to talk about it? Do you want to talk about what you're feeling? I mean you don't need to worry about my feelings or me being upset or getting angry. I'm good. I just want to help and be there for you but it's hard when I'm unsure what is going to be helpful and what isn't." She tensed for a moment before she relaxed into my arms again.

"uh, ok, well um. Hugging is nice and ya know normal cuddling but it's just sudden movements that still kind of shake me. But I can feel it getting better every day. I think that the therapy will help a lot so honestly I'm kind of excited to start my sessions. But um, kissing is fine just not, uh, not too intense yet. I don't like when you put your hands on my hips. He, He did that and he, he wouldn't let go." She started sobbing harder than I had ever heard he as she finally spit out what was probably weighing on her heart for days now.

"Ok, I understand. You got it. You just say the word and I'll stop doing whatever I'm doing ok Stel? You don't need to worry about bothering me or bugging me. I know sometimes when I get back from ops I shut down and I shut you out because I'm trying to compartmentalize what's happened, but I'll try to let you in more after seeing how strong you are for letting me in. I love you so much." I kissed the top of her head as she fell asleep in my arms. I knew all would be ok. We'd get through it together.

AN: ok so I know the ending was really abrupt but I was struggling to take this in any other directions. This week's episode is going to be a tough one I think but I'm excited. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed this story! Please let me know


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